Thursday, January 22, 2015


In today's society it seems that we young people are so afraid of being alone that we find it necessary to chase after romance like it is our air supply. We run around gasping and snapping selfies to use as currency to buy compliments, or a night of passion, or someone's full affections just to feel alive. 

I can't say that I haven't fallen into this trap myself, but now, just after exiting a recent serious relationship, I realize that there was something missing that was so vital to this "love" thing that the relationship was always doomed. We didn't connect. We were two extremely different people, not by our lifestyles, or interests, or our friends, but by our thoughts. We didn't think alike. And I have to admit he tried very hard to change that, but I could tell it just wasn't working. This made it hard for me to enjoy the romance. It seemed forced and unnatural, and no matter what I did I couldn't change the way it felt. "Why do you love me?" Seemed like a question I couldn't stop asking. I really didn't understand the dynamic between us, I knew I cared about him, but was it love?

Now that I'm out on my own, I've had some people approach me and the way they talk to me feels so similar to the way my ex did. The forced romance that men use to try to impress women, and we eat it up, because it makes us feel desirable. 

I guess my problem is I wish that I trusted that men would see me the way I see them; a lot of people say "looks don't matter" and I'm inclined to believe that, I think as long as you're on the healthy side (as in you sort of care about bathing and taking care of yourself) then I believe fully that if I enjoy your personality and we can understand each other I might just fall for you. 

I'm not thin by any means, I realize to some this will seem like an excuse still, but if you'll allow me I'd like to offer you an explanation for my appearance: Since I was a little girl I spent time with my mother discussing whatever level of philosophy I could reach. I wasn't interested in sports because it just wasn't how my mind worked. I didn't have any real alternative, my favorite things were jump rope and swings, but as a child it was frowned upon for me to want to jump rope alone and swings were coveted by every 7 year old whit a ponytail. So I spent time just walking around thinking and looking at things. It was just how I was. I wasn't athletic, I liked the arts and I liked talking to people about things that my peers weren't interested in. My goals have been to learn more about this world and to me that was the most important part of growing up. That is until I realized that I was considered unattractive. 

When comments started to rush at me about my weight as a little girl it was damaging. I still think that I've done something terribly wrong by being me. It isn't that I don't want to be healthy, and I do workout, but that's the thing, I want to be healthy, wanting to be thin is a poison that I don't need in my body and its  taken me about twelve years to get to the point where I really believe that. I'm five eight, with muscles that are naturally on the big side. My sisters and I have always  had large calves and thighs, broad shoulders, and strong arms. I'm not toned, but I am strong. At a size 10 I got questioned about whether I was anorexic. Friends said that my eyes were sunken in and my cheeks stood out too much. I weighed 150 lbs. Thin is just not healthy for me.

(By no means do I want to suggest one way is better than another. Thin is idealized and that has hurt my self-esteem in the past, but that doesn't give anyone the right to attack anyone else about their weight, no matter what. We are all just influenced by the shape of our society.)

I think throughout all of my experiences the important thing that I needed to learn was that romance is something that needs to develop, a flower needs to grow from a strong healthy seed that can root itself and grow into a strong little plant before it can bloom, a tree cannot support much other life as a sapling if it wants to grow taller, but when it does, after a good amount of development, self care, and getting to know itself it can decide to become a huge beautiful tree of awesome romance and understanding. 

No one wants a short snubby tree of massive romantic gestures and miscommunication. At least I don't. It would be extremely difficult to get around and what's  the point of being a tree if you can't be much taller than a bush. 
Don't rush into romance. It won't be worth it if you do, and it sounds like, if you're patient with this thing, it might be the best feeling in the whole world. 

You aren't going to be alone. No matter what, people are out in this world who want you around, we just need to accept that and try to be happy with who we really are. 

I'd challenge anyone who reads this to think about how you feel when you're  around someone who you can really talk to about anything. Think about whether you think they'd try to really get you, or if they just want you to believe that they do, because they enjoy you and the feeling of closeness you provide.  I sometimes think so far out of the box that I confuse myself, I can't say everyone gets it. But sometimes someone does, and that alone is one of the best feelings in the world, romance or not.  

Wishing you the best,


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